Cat Grief

Cat grief and loss is similar to that of humans. Many people don't realize that when someone moves away it is the same pain to the cat as death. They need empathy, extra cuddles, lots of patience, and love to get through the transition. When you go away for a month and leave your cat home, you have died to your cat. While you may have taken clothing in a suitcase and plan to return, you cat's world has become barren and empty. Extra planning can help, but that is covered in How to Choose a Petsitter. This page is about the grief cats experience and how to deal with it. I encourage all petsitters to read this page.

If you have experienced the death of a relative and taken in their cat, the cat "knows" that their beloved person is no longer alive. Even if the person had to go into the hospital and you are just petsitting, the cat feels that they will never go home. For this reason, petsitters should do everything in their power to help owners keep cats at home while they go away instead of taking the cats to the petsitter's home or a kennel.

However, let's say that is not your situation. You have lost a family member and taken in their loved kitty. This cat is depressed, won't play, barely eats and just wants to lay around and mope. What do you do? Give lots of love and offer play. Be patient. The cat needs to feel the grief and get beyond it. You lost someone, too, remember? The feelings you have after loss are similar to those of the cat.

There are seven stages to human grief. Cats may or may not go through the bargaining stage, depending on your and the cat's spiritual beliefs. However, the anger, pain and deep loss are keen for a cat. The special cuddle spots may never be touched again. The beloved voice will never be heard saying that special nickname again. The trill that answered will never come again. These little furpeople have no way to talk out their grief like we do. So, the loss is much deeper.

Patience and love are your best allies with a cat who has lost a person. If you know the person is coming back, as someone in the hospital, on vacation or away at school, talk about them to the cat.

If the person will not be coming home, as in the case of a deceased person or one in a (final) nursing home, be especially loving. A scratch, a stroke, a cuddle - all these can be your allies. Try to find those spots that the cat really needs to have touched and touch them. Talk about the lost person and how much you loved them. Your new cat will understand your emotion, if not your words. Share your grief with the cat. You will find a ready friend.

Soon, the cat will begin to eat again. It will half-heartedly play with you. You will recognize the change. The cat - and you, have learned to live with the loss and the hole in your hearts. You can begin now to forge ahead in a life together, sharing the memories of that special departed person.

What about those temporary separations, like a child going off to college or getting married? They leave the family pet at home and the cat feels the loss and grieves. What do you do then? If it's possible, have the person come and visit so that the cat realizes that the person isn't gone forever. If the child has gone off to college, they will be home soon enough, and the cat may just need to hear their voice once in a while. Offer the telephone to your cat's ear so it can hear the beloved voice. The first time you do this, your cat may be startled, but after that, it will be puzzled. It can recognize the voice but the smell is different. Let the cat smell the phone and realize that the voice is coming through the phone but that the person is not there. The cat will be comforted by this - it know's what a telephone is for by watching you.

In the case of divorce it will be more difficult for all concerned. The cat misses the other person in the family, that person isn't dead, the remaining person won't talk and is usually very angry. The cat has no one to understand what it feels. Try to be patient with the cat. Try to have some empathy. Your cat is another child in the family who is going through this situation. Try to allow visits. Eventually, your cat won't miss that person so much unless the acrimony in the divorce or separation caused you to keep a cat that was especially bonded with your former partner. You will need to be patient and allow your cat to grieve. Don't expect the cat to share your feelings of anger and hurt. Your cat may actually feel abandonded by the person who left the home and have no use for them should they come to visit. That will mean that the cat is fine, and does not need to see that person anymore.

Because of the grief, when I board my cats during a move (the safest alternative for me) I visit the cats every day I possibly can so that they know I am still alive and love them. I make sure to take them out of any carriers, kennels or other enclosures, pet, scratch and hold them. I spend about 2 hours per cat. My cats are more tolerant of the kennel workers, and not as depressed, because I visit them. They will eat and sleep normally. I had to board a cat for an extended time once, and the poor thing barely survived the grief. I learned then that boarding a cat is not a healthy alternative unless I can visit regularly. Moving is now the only reason I can see for boarding a cat in my life. When the cats come home to our new house, they are ecstatic! They run around and generally displace everything they remember and many things they don't. They check in with me often and then tear off to explore some more. They know that I love them and are very happy to be with me again.

I hope these scenarios help you with your cat's grief. If your situation is different, please write to me and explain it. I will do my best to help you.

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